rainbows turn into gold!

so this is my halloween costume that i wore to the phi tau and co-op parties... i actually took this picture this morning cause i forgot my camera last night. last night was a very fun night. i didn't think it was going to be at first because jessica had invited this guy, justin, to her little pre-party. he is gay and decided to go as kylie minogue (how ever you spell that. and his big thing was telling all of us how much more attractive of a women he was than us. i wounldn't have minded but it was not true. i mean, how can he with no hips or boobs and stubble be more attractive... i do not think so. sorry. but when we went to the phi tau thing first it SUCKED so much, pretty much only freshman were there and it just just dumb... it made me sad... then we went back to the grille to pick up paris from work... then we all decided to protect jessica from adam and go to the co-op and get a little drinkie drink... it was nice. we danced wildly! YAY! i saw cory and cory... they made a cory/rachel sandwich and i ended up touching his ass. it was weird... i think you had to be there????

then after we were all a bit tipsy we went back to phi tau. it was much better, prolly mostly cause we were tipsy... just as a guess. but we danced wildly again and it was good. then we went home... :) setting the clocks back was an adventure! rather more difficult than when sober.. i wonder why?? this morning micha was/is really hung over and sick. i feel bad for her... i don't have a hangover and don't feel that bad. cept i can feel that my back is like, you shouldn't have done that.. but not too terribly. i just remembered that today is sunday and that means i have class tomorrow! eep! that means i have lots of stuff to do. including reading 8 ch's in this hydrogen power book. which is actually pretty sweet and actually realistic about the shift to a hydrogen economy.. as in if stuff doesn't really happen soon it will take the better part of a century to get it going. okay, i think that is all. later all. (i love pics!) bibi.

pictures... mornings....

as promised these are the pictures i took yesterday... this one is the moon just before the sunlight came to it. i wanted to get it through the trees cause it was so pretty, but i couldn't get it to work out. sad.










this is sunrise just beyond the rec center on a little set of stone steps between the rec center and union. looking over the lovely fox river. it was so pretty. such a nice palatte of colors. it made me very happy to be alive.

that is all i have to share at the moment. but i do plan to post pics more often... so be prepared... for more 'heaven...' i guess. bye bye.

and i know....

i feel good today. generally. ah, endorphins... how good you are to me.

oh how much i love singing to songs in harmony. i'm not that good at it, but somehow hearing the intervals in my own ears and coming from my own voice... it's the coolest experience. that and playing awesome double stops. SO awesome.

'am i just paranoid or am i just stoned?' tis a good question...

next week is reading period. my plan is go to minneapolis and visit my dear friendies there. (i wove woo gwuys...) party, relax and not think about school... for a little bit. (not that i don't like my classes, but somehow around this point in the term i want to not be around... ya know how it is...)

hm... i suck at things... a whole lot.

brain empty, time to stop... i will post my pics i took this morning at 6:50am tomorrow... but i lack the will to do it now... hooray! kk, niteynite...

so this is the new year...

i don't feel any different.

i keep telling myself i need to bring my camera with me... i keep seeing such pretty things and then don't have anyway to record them.. if i was only a better artist... sigh...

on a sad note, i dropped my favorite tea mug today... it didn't completely break, but a big piece came out of the bottom and i chipped the rim. it made me very sad. and it was just cause i was being stupid while washing all my dishes. damn me!!!! but i will use it until it will not hold my water anymore. ya know, like the monk thinger... plus i shouldn't just buy a new one.. this one is so close to my heart... sigh... :)

hm, to wait around or to leave... hm... it is always the question. i wish i knew an answer.

there are moonbeams.

it's funny reading old stuff. this past year has been so changing. so many things about my life are different. i know i'm not independent, but i have become more so. i try not to rely on my parents for, at least, finacial stuff as much. yes, they still pay the majority of my tution, but not much else. sometimes my books... but i really am trying to budget and become mostly independent... in general i feel less irritated and more optimistic about my school year. the stress of just being an rla was too much. yes, i did it, but it wasn't me. i hate being that person. i rather like not having to be responsible for people that should be responsible for themselves. i like being able to sleep without having to worry... granted i now live with mostly upperclassmen.. go figure... well, cept for some of the weekends. i'm not really a fan of the weekly body spill here... but in general much better. i feel more comfortable sharing my room with paris. we blend well together. we're different, but not in a weird way... i'm so glad the hell of my freshman year did not return... but i was pretty sure it couldn't, as paris isn't the devil incarnate... (jk, she wasn't either... but we didn't blend well...) 0-0 i can't even remember the high school or middle school me. they seem like dead people. i can't even think of what i was then... so long.... ago.... not really... but i can't even feel the same things. maybe it's wisdom, or maturity, or just life experience.. whatever, i feel that i handle things much better now and don't lose focus of goals and just life as easily. i almost can see my plan... almost... although i am missing a rather big portion of my plan, but i can almost see how to achieve it. or at least get it going there. i'm not really sure why i'm thinking of this tonight. but today i've just been writing and collecting my thoughts about my past. about so many things that i just don't think about because they are too painful and too emotional... i think everyone just wants to forget their adolescent and teenage years... i know i do. well, now that i think i've finally learned from them i wish they were just gone. i prolly don't mean that... or shouldn't, i suppose they could be useful later. but at least for tonight, i think i should let it be. (funny how most of my posts will not be very interesting to anyone else, cause well, i don't know what i write... i just do... let it flow... and end...)

end.... yes, i do live in heaven mr. katmandu man. in my own private wisconsin heaven... :)

limited warranty

my mind is all a thinking. i can't help it, it just gets all carried away with itself. things happen and i can't deny my mind of the opportunity to just go. i know it didn't mean what i think it does, but i can't help but think that is might have. and what if it did, does that change things... can it really be that it might work this way. it is stupid and i don't understand why i feel so strongly like i do. but it's different. a very different feeling from what i remember it feeling like. it seems real, not heavenly or perfect, but real. i don't know... i just don't, thus i have to imagine...

you were such a profit then, to me...

this is the view out of my window. the lawe street bridge that goes over the fox river. it looks so pretty. :) too bad it has tons of pcb's and bad stuff in it. but right near this bridge houdini almost drown when he was young. pretty neato isn't it. well, that's pretty much all i have to say. but i really like this picture. okay, now i'm getting back to work. for real, real. not for play, play.

safe in my arms.

i'm sure i saw him with a girl that was most definitely a girlfriend... but yet still flirty when i see him... perhaps he's just like that. i guess. it just seems as if he is far too interested and wants to know about me to not be... i dunno... maybe i'm just desperate... yes, yes i am.

what can you see on the horizon, why do the white gulls call? across the sea, a pale moon rises, the ships have come to carry you home. and all will turn to silver glass, a light on the water the gray ships pass into the west....

i really want to watch those movies today... i just feel like it is time to see them again... it's been awhile. particularily the first. i haven't seen that in ages. oh the wonder. OH MY GOODNESS, i totally just remembered that con: lwaw comes out this christmas... woot!!! i'm SO excited... although it looks like it is going to be dumb, but i love it so how can i not go see it... :) i love movies.....

my mommie loves me.

well, i know my parents both love me... but seeing as my mom just spent a whole lot of money on me... i now feel unworthy.

this weekend was good. the concert was good. the tchai was AMAZING, i seriously almost cried while he was playing... he's so wonderful! i haven't done anything of homework importance... well, what else is new... but i'm going to start my plan. my grand training plan... and my mum brought some maps of europe, england, italy, etc... so i'm all gonna plan and stuff... speaking of, i need to email my sis. sometime... soon... :)

i fear that is all... oh, saw was (hehe... saw... was.... hehe) pretty good. that guy is seriously twisted and a genius... pretty decent... minus the acting and dialogue and stuff... cary elwes looks so weird... that is all... :) bibi.

this week.

this week has been crazy. to say the least. i signed up for netflix... well, originally i was trying to get a free ipod nano but i decided i didn't want to apply for a bunch of credit cards and then have to cancel them. but netflix is way awesome. i decided to get the 9.99 a month one (one dvd at a time...), but it is way cheaper than going to the movies or renting... so i'm excited. asta went much better this week. art is very weird, but i like it. and he's extremely easy to talk to which is very cool...

on a more serious note, kobby's memorial service was thursday. it was one of the saddest things i've ever been too. to see his parents so greif stricken and to still not know what happened. to hear his mother screaming in akan (the language of ghana) and hearing his friends speak... it was horrible. i didn't know him that well, but he lived in plantz, thus i was one of his rla's. i know it wasn't much, but i'm a very empathetic person. and it was truely heartbreaking and tragic...

but i feel pretty good today... tonight... this morning... tylenol is actually working at the moment... although i have to take it every four hours... sad... hello, liver damage... :) jk... i hope..

well, seeing as i have a dress rehersal tomorrow morning i should probably go to sleep. kk, gnite.

nurturing type?

i guess i've never thought about myself as a nurturer, but i suppose i am. i always feel awkward comforting people, i never seem to say the right things.. at least i don't think i do. but it always seems to work out in the end and i hope that the person i'm comforting feels better. i dunno...

i felt SO terrible this morning. i had my clarinet exam, i did really well... i think. no squeaks in the tchai and got over the break pretty eaisly in the chormatic scale. so, it's good... although i felt like shit and was shaking for some strange reason... then i went to the library and finally got some recordings of the popper ungarische rhapsodie.. finally! and i actually found three recordings, hooray!! i hope at least one of them is better than the first one i found last year... aka the only one i found last year... i hope.. maybe janos will show me how to do it. i can wish...

even though i'm sick today i actually feel better than i have for a few days. which is good. (ps. i'm not depressed... i'm just going through a low point... ) tonight i'm going to vacuum (it's about damn time), put my recordings on my puter, do some reading, perhaps make my plan of attack for asta... maybe???

ready, set, GO!!!

honestly.

i can easily say i have never met anyone like you. you are such a puzzle, i can't seem to figure out how you act or will act.. somehow it is so unpredictable, but not in a spastic way. just, different. i would say you are a challenge, but i think that implies that you are frustrating.. no, not really. appealingly quizical.. (it really makes you think...)

i think i have a cold now... probably from our talking so long outside... damn cold air... so my sinuses are all weird and my throat hurts... damn exam tomorrow. damn it. damn it. done.

i wanna ruin my life...

and if i'm going down, you're coming with me...

i've begun to realize that i hate living on a budget. i guess i never thought about money, i don't like spending tons, but it sucks to have to constantly monitor it... i can't be impulsive... sad.

i'm getting my bow rehaired today. it should be good. it REALLY needed it. and only $45, not too bad. i'm getting thorough bred mare hair... if you wanted to know. it is the cheapest because mares pee on the hair.. which changes the acidity of the hair. but apparently it lasts the longest... so, seems like a good deal to me. :) woohoo for hair... yay!

art, you are very nice and i can't decide whether you are hitting on me or if that is just how you are??? i suggest you make a move if you are.... or i suppose i will. whatever... maybe, maybe...

i miss things... sigh.

that was then.

jasper, one of my kitties, died on friday. i don't really have much else to say... i suppose it wasn't unexpected but it still sucks.

make me over...

this is a picture of the really sweet heat lamp in our bathroom. and seeing as our room is SO cold i often just want to sit under it for hours... anywho... my environmental science book FINALLY got here. hooray for no longer having to bother going to the library... stupid two hour check outs... grrr.... i really loathe that. i mean, i was all in the middle of the chapter and focused, but i had to go renew the book... thus my concentration was ruined and it took me even longer... grrr... but now it will be wonderful! unlimited time... i'm so free (i'm captured, i'm free... hehe, that movie is dumb...) it's so weird to actually look at the pictures on my desk.. i look so weird... everybody looks so young.. hard to believe i'm so old. hard to believe i would feel this old. i want to believe i'm getting better, but somehow i don't think so. it seems like this is the way things have always been and that it will always be this way. i hate feeling like this. i hate being so limited. i just want my life back. (haha...) once again, i feel SO different. i'm just not who i was... i'm just not. i don't know who i was trying to fool thinking that i was that person. she is dead.

i feel gross.

i just feel yucky right now. i mean, yes, i might not have showered today... but i just feel bleh. i think it's because my messyness has finally invaded my room... sigh... i will clean/organize tonight. i think i'll feel better. at least i might sleep better. i slept horrible last night. for no other reason than that i was completely uncomfortable.

classes are good, mondays are going to be the death of me. for real. i suppose everything is okay, i wish i wasn't so lazy... at least about practicing right now. i actually really like the music i'm working on, but somehow seem to avoid working on it. i need to just not be in this room and dottling on this stupid computer... like i am right now... sigh... but i love it so much... my... precious... :)

anywho, i suppose i shall clean and do some work and go to sleep. after all, tomorrow is a brand new day... a day where i have the potential to get so much work done!!! alright, GO!!!

ps my credit card is expired.. and they haven't sent me a new one yet... sad... okay, bibi.

asshole.

when will boys learn that playing psychological games with girls emotions is not good. i just don't understand why this certain boy (i suppose i shouldn't generalize, i'm sure there are good boys out there... somewhere... far, far away from me at all points in time...) thinks that by leading a girl on he is somehow not going to hurt her feelings. no girl deserves to be sent signals that he likes her, then be asked to go to a party/accept an invitation to go out and when it actually happens he ignores her, leaves her, gets extremely drunk, leaves again, constantly wants other people to be around because he obviously doesn't want to be alone with her... and then at the end of the night just say, 'i'm tired and i think you look tired too...' and walk away to his room. sweet heart, you deserve someone who actually gives a damn about you and can figure out some social skills in order to actually make a move/reciprocate.. you are a lovely person and if he can't see that then he is a loser and can rot away in a lonely life of solitude... you are wonderful. he is an asshole. done, done.

the 3d imax of my mind.

that's poetic, that's pathetic... (and yes, i do know every word...)

i hope they do a good job of rent. because it seriously got me through high school. i love it so much. :) anywho... last night was pretty boring, mostly because i really didn't feel like going out... somehow getting plastered last night didn't sound like a whole lot of fun. eh, whatever... maybe tonight, but for sure sunday afternoon with this is spinal tap. yes, that's right we're going to get drunk in the afternoon. :) i suppose i have to do my work today... (i cannd do my wourk...) i'll get it done. today. i must... i don't have that much, mostly just reading at the library, because i still don't have my book. grr... but then again it's because i'm dumb... so, eh, whatever....

i think that's it.. laters.