a hair that is cut.

i got a haircut yesterday. it looks pretty much the same. a bit shorter. whatever... thanks mumsie. i'm completely convinced that i can't be around my sister and my parents at the same time. seperately they are fine, each i can handle independently, but somehow... together, they make this horrible environment that i just can't be in. they argue and i'm somehow always in the middle. i don't understand why they fight about the stupidest things and take forever to make any sort of decision about anything. whatever, it was only a few days.

i'm back in my little room in dear old sammy plantz hall. it is small, but it is all my very own. i like that... it's very comforting to have a place that is entirely personal. but i think having a roommate that i actually like will be wonderful. even if she 'brings the drama'... it will be interesting, nonetheless. i can't even imagine the wonderfulness of next year! SO WONDERFUL!!!!

i guess i have nothing else to say... i should call yalls. i would have over break.. but i temporarily lost my phone charger.. whoops, but it is found now, and my phone is charging. so, perhaps tonight... yeah, i'm done now. laters.

another computer, eh?

now i am at my sis's house. it is messy, but the computer works. i watched jem this morning. it was very humorous. i can't really see what i absolutely loved about it... mostly because it has pretty much no plot and a bunch of psuedo-music videos. but it was fun nonetheless. i'm going back to school tomorrow. it'll be good. i never seem to miss home until i actual get there. well, i suppose that's not exactly true because i really wanted to not be at school for the last week or so...but finals always seem to do that to me. whatever, it'll still be good to be back in my own room with my own stuff and continue my own little life there. i think that's it... bye!

ahoy mateys!

i am at home. it feels good. i worked the last two days. sad that lod adam is not there any more. he was one of the execs who i actually didn't mind that much. he at least seemed like he knew what he was doing. but there is on way that i can work 40 hrs every single week like i did last summer. hopefully my playing will make up the difference, so i will only have to work 15-20. that would be way nice. otherwise than that, i've been sifting through a lot of old junk, practicing and singing loudly around the house. it is probably quite humorous. but i'm throughly enjoying not being all stress out and running around in circles... i'm perfectly happy to read mrs. dalloway and listen to some music. hooray!

semyo is the weirdest organization. they have a 'play in' thingy in may. i'm going to try to go... though i'm not sure why... it should be interesting to see all of those people again. though i'm pretty sure they will be as arrogant as they were before. perhaps more so as they talk of the ivy league conservatories they go to... blah, blah, blah. i'm not going to stoop to that. yes, lawrence is a good school and i'm very glad i go there (as it fits me perfectly!), but what i'm concerned and passionate about is music. and who cares where you go to school, if you do what you love, that should be the important thing. therefore, i resolve to not bat around my school name and brag about the stuff i do. i'm just going to be me and not play into this stupid game of intellectual and musical popluarity. go me!

college facebook is also very strange... i don't see the relavance.. but yet i still have a profile. hm, interesting how that works... i can't see myself solely making friends through it. but they are fun to look at. much like other people's yearbooks. yeah... okay...

i'm done. i am going to go practice and perhaps go through some costume-y stuff... hehe! oh the parties we'll go to in those... hehe! bye!

while accompanying herself on the electric cello, which she has never studied!

it is late. i was on duty (yes, yet again...) and i watched saved with eliana and shauna. it was really good. (by the by... i happened to love movies. deal with it.) i love the punk-ass jewish girl. she's my new hero. yay. sad that heidi decided to 'eat peas and rice with gabby' (who she will be in japan with for the next week) instead of joining us.. but that's her problem. especially after we slept together last night. (and no i'm not explaining that... if you want to know you'll have to ask...) hehe. now i am here. sitting in my little personal room. looking at the havoc finals week as done upon it. quite amazing really... i mean, it was clean before it... now it is a tornados wake... whatever... i'll clean before bed and get up to eat with eliana. i love eliana. she's my punk-ass friend. sorta. she's from kentucky. (start the dueling banjos song...) she makes me think of shams and niknak. good times. oh theory... at 8:30 in the morning. good times. good times. we watched gigli last night. (in every relationship there is a bull and there is a cow. i'm the bull and you're the cow. bull, cow. BULL, COW!!!!!) absolutely the most hilarious waste of time ever. i also went to taste of thai last night. it was super yummy... perhaps i'll eat the leftovers tonight.. soonerish... mmm... pud thai..... nice and spicy like.... mmmm.... i think that's about it... i need to clean and pack. yet that's not what i seem to be doing (aside from washing the dishes... hooray!). whatever, i'll get it done before mumsie gets here. i hope. okay, that's enough of wasting time. gnite.

is there anyone out there?

cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

beethoven is so wonderful. if you haven't read the heilingenstadt testament, you are seriously missing out. it is the most emotional and truthful piece of writing i have ever read. how he could value his art so much that he took a step back from the edge of despair. absolutely amazing. he was living for music. so cool.

i'm finally done with my finals. i never thought i would come to this place.. never... but i have. it is good. i have lots to before i go home, but i'm SO excited. must remember to go through my costumes and bring back some hilarious stuff. i'm also really excited to see nik for awhile.. i wish i could go to the cities and see you shamalingus, but i can't. i wish i wasn't working, but i really need the money. oh, which reminds me to reply to the guy for the rochester street market. (it's a new thing this year... which i am also going to be playing at this summer... hello $$$) this summer is going to be freaking sweet! i hope. i will make it so. and i'm going to learn how to cook. for real this time.

okay, i better clean or watch a movie or something productive... kk, laters.

you know that smell?

yeah, i'm kinda bad with the whole hygiene thing. it wasn't so bad this past week, as i went swimming every few day, but in gerenal not a whole lot of cleanliness has been happening in the casa de raquel. i just keep telling myself that not showering everyday is good for my hair... but somehow i still just sorta feel gross. now i know that you all are saying to yourselves, 'rachel, just go take a shower. it solves the problem.' i know. but it seems like such a chore. (you know you are lazy when just walking to the shower is too much work) oh well, if i actually had a reason to shower, perhaps i would more often. no, that's probably not true. whatever.

i get to meet my car on saturday. i need to think of a name. and no, shams, not charlie. i can't do that... tis too weird. i suppose i should meet (i'm thinking a her...) her first. well, now that i'm a complete dork...

i need to work on my music theory final... the final final... (as i'm now done with the theory sequence.. unless i just don't do the final... in which case i might have to retake this term... but somehow i don't think that's going to happen) i did quite a bit of work last night, but i was wholly confused by the fugue analysis. somehow the answer doesn't repeat.. so how can that be an answer, episode??? perhaps, but it seems somewhat unlikely that the first subject statement would be followed by an episode. grrr.... i'll figure it out. i also have a meeting with prof. jordheim to go over my video taped lesson and philosophy statement. i'm slightly worried, as my lesson wasn't wonderfully planned and i didn't work very hard at all on my philosophy statement. which is kinda sad, cause i thought that the philosophy statement is a cool idea... but life always interferes... sad.... it'll be okay, i just have to meet with him to watch the video... woo, i'm a dork...

i suppose i'll take a shower and work on the final til 11:30... hm... perhaps i'll eat some breakfast, too. who knows what today will bring.... crazyness, obviously... rainbow brite and the star stealer, 9pm @ the plantz front desk... it's gonna rock... like a crazy mother... and stuff. hocay, gotta do stuff, bye bye!

PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!

hehe.

hocay, so my parents bought a new car. a car for me. because my dearly beloved fredrick was dying. i loved that car. it kept me company on the lonely nights...it was a good little car. rip dear fredrick...may you find that big, long highway in the sky, where your speedometer works again, correctly. my new car is a saturn. it is silvery-greyish. i will most likely be driving it around next week when i am home for spring break. HOORAY! i'm very, very excited for that. i can't wait to sleep in my big, queen size bed and not be two inches away from the ceiling. yay!

i know i am spoiled. but i don't let it get to my head. my parents do make quite a bit of money, i am not responsible for that. but i don't think that that makes me a spoiled person. i am very appreciative about the fact that my parents are finacially stable and i feel very lucky for that. i don't really know why i'm writing this as nothing has happened to make me write it, but somehow it feels like the thing to do... whatever.

gabby, dear sweet gabby. don't let that asshole bring you down. it is not your fault in the slightest that he didn't get the head rla thing again, it is not your fault that he is completely incompetent about people's feelings, and you should NEVER wait around for him to make up his mind as to whether he can actually love you or not. he's not worth it. he's just not confident enough in himself so he must hang on just in case he gets lonely and needs a self-esteem booster. he's a shit and you are so much better than that. you deserve so much better.

okay, now that the library will actually be open soon, i must off. later.

who wants a body massage?

it's a body massage machine... gooooooooo!

hehe, i meant to push shift and instead i pressed enter... and it published this with just a title. it was funny. i am entirely too stressed out to be bloggering at the moment. i have to study for about forever today for music history. we have to 'prep' three essays even though we will only do two... but since she takes one out of the eight choices, thus the preperation of three comes into play. my room is also a huge mess. ridiculous. i feel really bad that i haven't been around much and have totally been slacking on the rla stuff. but i have had so much to do. at least my qualifying exam is over so have a bit of time left. i still need to find my teacher to find out if i passed or not. and if not i have to work up a whole new rep for the redo. eep! but hopefully i passed, or at least passed most everything. grrrr.....

uh... what the hell....

hocay, so here's the earth... it's chillin' dang that is a sweet earth you might say, NO!

hehe, i need to study. for real, real... not for play play. bye!

woo, woo.

i have decided that i can't study. i just can't. i am incapable. i read the questions and just can't focus. and now that my qualifying exam is over i have no real excuse. well, perhaps i shall try again soon. must not forget that i'm still teaching this week. i don't like forgetting things. it makes me feel bad... very bad.

maybe certain people belong together. ya know, like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. not that i loved that movie, but it raises an interesting point about love and such. maybe we all are really supposed to be a certain person and no matter what happens this is the only person who will ever make us happy. now i sound too idealistic. i don't really think i believe that. i'm not that optimistic. and i think people can be happy with many people throughout their lives. but somehow the dream that one person is the one for you only is still appealing. whatever, i'm totally over the whole depressive thing. that was so last year... prolly more...

i ate this granola bar this morning. it said it was 'oats and honey' flavoured, but it mostly just tasted like butter. it was weird. i'm very sad that my potato leek soup turned out badly. the leeks were really bitter and i think i added too much flour. sad, such a waste. :(

hocay, i'm going to study now. i think.... perhaps a bit of cleaning first... aww billie holiday, you are my soul! bye!

a tipsy post.

after doing a whole bunch of work today, including practicing for about two hours in a sitting (most of which on scales... go me!) i decided to go to tasha's birthday party. (tasha is gabby's sister, who is really cool and knows pretty much everyone... ps. reid and gabby are actually broken up. does it make me a bad person that it makes me happy???) it was good. i had some alcohol. i was destressed for a few seconds and had a really awesome time dancing and being crazy for a few moments. (i had two drinks. both pretty weak.. barcardi/coke and vodka/lemonade) but it was really nice to actually have fun and get out of this room for a few moments. today it really felt like the walls were closing in on me. but i had fun and that's the important part.

hm... summer seems like a really long time from now. seeing as we have an ENTIRE term left to go. but spring term is so wonderful!!! the best weather (RAIN!!!!!!!!!!), best classes (???), best everything. i'm just really excited that it will not be this term anymore. this year the winter has been like uber hard for me to deal with. i guess i need sunshine more than i think i do. but, to actually talk about summer, i'll get home sometime around june 20th (i think). i will be working at target (oh joy of joys... ) but i'm not going to work full time if i can help it at all. i'm going to play at the farmer's market on saturday mornings and depending on what i can find out about street musician laws i might be setting up shop at silver lake and just playing all summer long. somehow i think i can make more money doing that than working at target. plus getting booked to do gigs and such would be way awesome. if anybody wants to join me in this endeavor that'd be sweet. i think we could make quite a bit of money. i've seen what the girls at the farmers market get, and i'm kinda a lot better than them. (wow, that sounded arrogant... oh well) okie, well.. i suppose i should get some sleep. dreaming of clayton. you had to be there. nitey nite.

ps. jeremey's new moves from teen night were HOTT!!!!!!

scary stuff.

paris has had a toothache for about a week. it all sort of hit the fan today, culminating with a trip to the hospital. (i didn't know til later though...) i have never seen anyone in so much pain before in my life. like curled up in a ball, crying for hours pain. and there was/is nothing we can really do for her but try to make her comfortable. i was so scared... and so horrified to see anyone in that much pain. it was the weirdest experience of my life. i can't really process that everything that has happened has... weird. but now that she is taking vicadin and ibuprofen interspersed every two hours she seems to be doing much better. poor girl... and the weekend before finals nonetheless... okay, back to desk duty... sad...

i forgot something

i've gotten the 'i think you're super' award two weeks in a row. not that it should be possible, but yay! i still don't have the doll... sad...

hm. interesting.

i know i make assumptions. and usually they are wrong. and most other people's are wrong, too. you can't open wounds that aren't really scars anymore. and yes, i know my view is incredibly skewed. that's why it's my view. and things are inaccurate, but i don't proofread nor try to censor my feelings here. at least as much as possible. (by the by, i was depressed senior year. but i went to therapy and got over it. even if you think i haven't) i, too, am sorry for any emotional pain i brought you. my intent was to purge my thoughts about that issue. it was good, a lovely encapsulation of that moment in history.

thus stated i would just like to say that i am very happy here. so i get angry with my friends here sometimes. who doesn't? relationships are never perfect, nor should they be. life would be too boring without any bumps along the way. i love teaching and i love making music. i have found my passion and my purpose. everyday i can walk in the con and know i'm doing EXACTLY what i want to do and am so relieved to be happy. (that isn't an attack about your choices, i'm sure your happy doing what you do and such) my blogs are like pointalistic music. listen to some webern and you'll understand. life is filled with little snipets of things and to grasp on to these little bits for a moment is what i do here. if you want to generalize about my life, that's your business. but it's hardly the whole of my world here. maybe you know that.

moving on with my life. today was the weirdest day. i ate breakfast with gus. he's a hilarious guy. i'm really glad he's was there this morning. i really didn't want to eat alone at 7am. (grr to being a morning person in a whold of nite people) i had a lesson at 10am which totally rocked. i played to well, i haven't had that productive and overall good lesson in awhile. it made me very happy. even though this computer guy got to listen to me play scales and stuff at the end of my lesson. it was weird. but he seemed to like some of the rhythm stuff (he was tapping his foot to the beat... hehe... cute...) then i went to music history. julie mcquinn is my idol. she's so smart and so amazing and so vivacious. even if she is slightly a valley girl at heart, i just love her enthusiasm for teaching. i'm really going to miss her class. she's just so knowledgeable and cool. she makes me even more excited about music, if that's really possible. so amazing!!!! then i spent the rest of the afternoon practicing and rehearsing for the atonal composition project concert. yay! even though i was playing in like 6 pieces, it was all really cool. i really loved kristen's piece and my piece (we both wrote for cello and marimba). we played them with a really cool interlude of me tuning to her beating on a rusty hubcap. it was freaking sweet. i think mr. mccardell liked it. i'm almost positive i'll get an a. awww.... i'm going to miss him. we've seen him pretty much everyday since last year. we're such a goofy class. i don't know how we are going to make it through next term without him. sniff, sniff... lump in the throat... but we're going to have a SWEET party at his house. hooray! so many things are coming to an end. sad. but so much more yet to do. whew. fasten your seat belts it's going to be a long two years. but it's going to be freaking sweet.

oh! i almost forgot. i may have entirely forgot to tell my accompanist (who happens to be the sweetest guy ever... aww... warm fuzzy...) that i needed him to play in studio today. whoops. but it's okay. thus i had to write a really dorky email, but he wrote me back a really sweet reply saying that it's okay and that... well maybe i'll just keep it to myself. somehow it seems like i should. but it was really nice i felt much better. kk, so he's a nice guy and i'm really glad that he's really chill. i don't think i could handle someone too high strung. not for my qualifying exam. whooey!!!

in other words, i am very tired. i'm going to sleep now. nik and shams i love you both so much. if i didn't have your drama to entertain me in the wee hours, i don't know what i would do. speaking of, you should call me. or i shall have to call you. but i love you both and hope that you are laughing as hard as i am about things. ('you know, i can't believe you have to deal with her, she's just so difficult' hehe....) nitey!

a memory, eh?

well, if you want a memory here's a few. let's see, you were a good friend. i won't lie, i really liked you and we had a lot of laughs. but there was always a distance. i don't let many people get close to me and i think that you are the same way. and by senior year you hadn't 'matured' as much as me. i couldn't talk to you the same way. i didn't understand why you were still so hyper and flightly and manic all of the time. i couldn't take it. you were bitchy, but you never opened to tell me why. thus i assumed that it was just the way you are. i couldn't stand to talk to you anymore. you really hurt me. i moved on, i became close with other people. plus the whole 'vegetarians are evil' phase you went through really cut me deeply. you said that i 'was intolerant of people,' that night i went home and cried. i bet you didn't know that. but you were a good friend. how could you say something like that? i know that derek was there that night, but honestly, did you want to really hurt my feelings? we became two different people. you became friends with erika, who seemed to share your enthusiasm for being immature and stupid, and a bunch of younger people. i really hated you. you couldn't just shut up and do your work in class. you constantly talked. and complained about everything. but the epitome of everything that pissed me off was the trip to new york. one, you love scottie. he was a stupid ass who claimed to know everything about the city. i equated him with you. you were both asses. especially when joan rivers was there. you screamed 'there's joan rivers' even after your beloved scottie said NOT to do that. that trip deepened my hatred for you. it was a stupidly planned trip where we spend most of the time shopping and practically no time doing anything of importance. i was very surprised that you only noticed that i wasn't talking to you in about april of that year. that hurt me even more. if you had actually called me on it sooner, i might have actually forgiven you. but you didn't even fucking care enough to talk to me. thus, i assumed that i meant nothing to you and i got bitter. perhaps you didn't really deserve all of my anger. but i was very hurt by your actions. and annoyed by your immaturity. well, i guess that's my memory. i don't think about you that often anymore. though somehow i still read your blog every once in awhile. i guess it's because you never truly break up with friends. you can't just stop caring. even though i don't enjoy your company, somehow i still care. but we will never be friends again. some things can never be regained. i wish you well, but i still remember the hurt.

i feel pretty good.

funny. this girl down the hall is talking on her cell phone to, perhaps, an ex-boyfriend about her fear that she has an std. and she said 'i don't really want everyone to know about it' whilst she is talking so freaking loud. so i'm guessing that she is making it up and wants attention... or perhaps she just doesn't realize she so loud.

lots of drama this weekend. paris and jeremy broke up for a few seconds, adam and audrey got back together (thereby eliminating the possibility of adam and heidi..whew!) and gabby and reid broke up. wowza! but reid is all stupid and said that he doesn't have time for her, doesn't love her anymore, but might at some point in the future... so basically she should just wait around until he makes up his mind about her. what an incredible asshole. i knew he wasn't good enough for her... boys are stupid. you really should throw rocks at them. i know i do.

i have nothing else to say really, i have a lot of money to make and things to buy for london. i'm really exicted and wholly not prepared to go. good thing i have an entire year! woot! okay, i'm gonna eat some dinner and watch some sex and the city... and go to sleep. to get up real early and go to the con. kk, gnite.

life seems to work now.

i'm so happy. today is going to be a long day, as my mum is here until tomorrow. and she's probably going to drive me completely insane. she usually does. but it's okay. i'll make it through. i'll try to keep the conversation civil and not stray to topics that i'm sure will irritate me. but i'm too excited to really care about things. although i did accompany my student for solo/ensemble this morning. she played well. i was very proud! yay! although that meant that i had to get up at 6:30am in order to be ready for them to pick me up at 7am... and then the 8am performance. but i'm really glad that i did it and got to be there for her performance.

london is going to be so wonderful. i have dreamt about this and it is actually going to happen. i can't even imagine that this is going to be realized. i'm wholly in shock. hooray!!!

the orchestra concert is tonight. it should be good. at least better than the last one. not that it was bad, but we weren't as well prepared as we are for this concert. yay!

hm... i'm hungry. i think i'm going to have to get something to eat when mum gets here. i'm too hungry to wait until dinner. okay, i'll stop rambling and listen to some more music. yay!

guess who's going to london???

i'm going to london!!! hooray!! i'm going spring term. and even though that was my second choice, i'm actually really happy about it. this way i have about a year to make enough money to actually go. yay!!!! i was so worried that i wouldn't make it and that would have crushed me. not that i couldn't go my senior year, but somehow it seems like i really have to do this now. i have to explore. i'm so excited! yesterday was such a good day. even though i didn't see anyone really, save from cory for awhile at the desk. whatever, i'm not going to get all bitter about the fact that they forget about me. whatever, i have other friends and i am also perfectly happy just to sit in my room alone. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! i feel like running around and shouting everywhere!! hooray!! go me!!! well, that is all for now... please don't rain on my parade... hm.. but it is snowing... whatever, bye!

rewards.

i have fully adopted the policy that every good deed deserves a reward. like today after i went to oshkosh (hooray for driving!!!) and took my ppst test (and pass... cept for the writing.. not that i didn't pass, but the results come back in about 4 weeks) i promtly went to best buy and bought some movies. yay! i got anchorman, this is spinal tap, waiting for guffman, and edward penishands.. just kidding.. edward scissorhands. it has made me very happy. rewards are good. good rachie!

missing you all so much. i need to go home for awhile. i need it to be nice and warm outside. i want to go to the park and sit in the beautiful green grass. siiigh. i need to know whether i'm going to london. i need my student to call me to see if i play piano for her solo/ensemble piece. stupid dress reheasal. whatever, she thought it would be at 8am. hopefully that will be the case. if not, maybe i'll beg elise to do it for me. but i really want to be there. sad. whatever, life is still good. i've been pretty good this week about work. save from actual school work. i sort of started the mh journal yesterday. but it was soooo hot in the computer lab that i couldn't concentrate. i should have gone and done it in my room. but there are so many distractions. i have issues. but i made pasta. yummy!!!! seeing as i have nothing else to say, i will stop. i'm glad no one reads this. then i would feel embarassed about things. but i'm not. kk, bye.

have i offended you?

i went to my music theory and pedagogy class this morning. it was an interesting class, as today we met at lucy's to eat breakfast and talk philosophy of teaching. i was pretty quiet throughout the discussion, i usually seem to be in that class, i'm really sure why. i think it's just that the people in my class talk so much and always take my points away from me. but i'm pretty sure that i'll get an a, even without tons of class participation. i think it's really good that we have to do philosophy statements for our teaching. i know that thinking about what i value in teaching has made me really piece together what i want to teach and how i want to approach the whole teaching world. i feel so lucky to be going to an institution that allows me to have so much experience before i actually go out and student teach. i'm really, really, really excited to do that. scared, but wholly excited. 'thank god for model trains, without them they wouldn't have gotten the idea for the big trains' hehe.

spring break is only three weeks away. i asked for a few hours at target. i'll only make like $125, but it would be good to make as much money as possible. as my car, my fredrick, is dying. and i also probably need to buy a new computer for next year, as my dear lappy is (to be blunt) old and has less than 700kb of memory left. sad. but at least my dad has a 'real??' job now. well, he has been working as a real estate agent, but seeing as the real estate business takes about 10 years to mature and become a profit making business, he hasn't been making a whole lot of money. not that i hold that against my dad. my dad does a lot of work, but real estate doesn't make any money unless you buy or sell something. thus my dad could work as hard as he wants to and still never make any money. but ibm asked him back to do some sort of a spread sheet management job. yay! i know my dad was getting super frustrated with not being able to provide the same income that he had had before ibm laid him off the first time. but my dad is a resilient character and gets the work done. aww, parents are great. wholly frustrating, but good.

well, i suppose i shall take a shower. return to lucy's for lunch. go to the con and warm up for my lesson. have my lesson. come back to my room for about 30mins. go to aural skills. go to asta. eat dinner. go to orchestra. go to the staff meeting. perhaps work some more on my music history journal. and go to sleep. tuesdays are busy, busy, busy days. yet, i love them. i love asta. it makes everything happy. even though tuesdays are really fun and really stressful. okay, i have blabbed enough for the moment. laters.