i am sincerely worried.

i can't even believe that i have all of this work to do. i can't believe i've let things go this long. i can't believe i'm writing this when i should be doing something else. i mean, it doesn't matter, because i'll prolly be up all night anyway, but i didn't really want to do that. the next two days i will most likely have to stay up all night, or at least most of it, just to get my stuff done for thursday. but i'm sorta sick and i just can't feel rested because i know that my sleeping is not getting my work done.... so i toss and turn and don't sleep but can't focus because i'm sleepy... it sucks. but i'll just have to work through it tonight because i can't afford to not get it done... i just can't. sigh. my psych paper is pretty much done, but tonight i'll finish that and my field notes (i'm truly an idiot here), and then tomorrow will be about my aesthetics paper. damn, it sucks.

okay, cutting the crap and getting it done... then to sleep with me... dammit....

somebody hit the lights..

damn song, stuck in my head... grrr...

lots of paper writing this weekend, i'm only a little less productive than i wanted to be. but over all i feel okay about getting all my shit-ola done in time. i feel that my psych-o-learning paper is going to be kinda bad. but i'm actually okay with my aesthetics paper. i think?? well, i considered switching topics, but then i thought about it and my other topic doesn't really work. damn writing eight billion pages... grrr... and i'm sorta mad that he said we don't have to turn in a full rough draft thursday... thus i can procrastinate.... i'm trying not to. but if i get my psych paper pretty much written today, i'll still have three days to bring my aesthetics paper together... but i prolly should at least outline what i want to talk about in it. bleck! i'm worried. i'm truly worried. this term has been one of the worst. i'm sure london will feel so much better after all this crap. :) only 25 days until i leave. :) :) fabulous. absolutely fabulous. :)

okay, off to work... again...

YAY!!!

first and foremost, i have 27 days until i leave for london!!!

next, i have a cello teacher! woot!!!! i'm so excited. she sounds english even in her email. i may just explode from happiness. :) :) :) i can't even believe that this whole term is going to happen and that i will go to italy with stefo and then to haiti (probably...). oh my goodness, it is just too much to think about. i'm pretty much bouncing off the walls right now... actually these walls probably shouldn't be bounced against... they aren't very sturdy... :/ jk...

i've been eating more healthy (that sounds weird.... grammatically...??...) this week. i feel better because of it, i think. less foggy i guess. i'm sort of trying to find things that are cheap and easy that i can do in london. i think i have it figured out. i'm all about the canned soup and beans. :) maybe some rice too...!!...

i guess i should get ready for my meeting with prof. niblock about my aesthetics paper. eep! k, bye

help, my term papers are eating my life!

two term papers.. both due next week (well, one is a first draft, but i still have to write it, so whatever...) i'm seriously scared. i feel completely unprepared and that i am going to implode from having to write them. i don't think i've ever had to do that much writing in one week. eep! i'm sure it'll be okay, i just have to do... it's always starting that is WAY worse... :'(

i'm prolly gonna go to haiti. which will be awesome... that is if the political situation cools a bit. i dunno, i'm suprisingly not too worried about it. :)

okay, off to observation i go. later.

r = w

we were having serious issues with saying 'project runway' and 'wooly rhinocerous' yesterday. it was insane. but completely hilarious. cept for the awkwardness that happened later... i mean i know why because heidi was there... and thus it needed to happen.. but whatever... i'm actually okay with it. i mean, yes, he doesn't have any feelings for me.. fuck him! i've decided i'm a good person and that if he can't see it, screw him.... :)

i watched the olympic hockey games today.. they were okay, canada was sucking though.... kinda weird, eh? you'd think they'd be kicking some major booty, but somehow couldn't get it together... but i got some reading done and i've gotten a bit caught up on field notes. sorta. this weekend has been a bit more productive than most. but not super productive. whatever... i'll worry about my term papers next weekend... eep!

i guess i'm not going to be living with paris next year. it hurt. whatever. but eliana said she would love to room with me. i think that will be happy. :) makes me sad that paris just sorta was like 'we will live together next year' and just a day ago was like 'um... i'm gonna live with chamee....' whatever. and i'm not your personal chauffer, either. i'm pretty sure this is all hormonally induced crazyness... damn unstable hormones... grrr... whatev. i'm totally okay with it. not really, cause it hurt, but things will work out.

parents came, opera seen, parents gone, work avoided. but i got a couple downer-free meals out of it, so i guess i can't complain. i suppose i've procrastinated for long enough and should get back to work. later...

i should of changed that stupid lock...

i fear that i am hemmoraging to death... not really, but definitely abnormally heavy... grrr...

anywho, lots o work... maybe some seaquest... who knows. i feel like i might be over him. maybe... and seeing as he makes everyone uncomfortable it's prolly good. :)

only 33 days until london. crazy. craaaaazy. i can't even believe it. truly. scary. but totally awesome. and then to think that italy comes next. and then maybe haiti. i can't even think about all of the awesomeness, it's too much. :) :) :) yay!!!!!!!!!

i totally have a new and weird crush. it's bizarre and probably totally because of my weird sex dreams. hehe!!!

okay, now doing stuff. :) later.

oh no, look at the buzzard!

just kidding... but it is really snowy out. and i like it. i'm hoping the schools get out early so i don't have asta. that would be amazing. mostly because i have lots of stuff to do. i feel a bit conflicted and confused about everything at the moment. i feel sad (obvious), intrigued (all my stupid dreams), loved (i love you both for coming... it made my weekend!), excited (london, italy, and maybe haiti!! awesomeness!!!) and just kinda weird... (no particular reason for that...). i'm super excited that london is only a month away. and then i have three months to relax, take purely interesting classes, and just enjoy not being on campus. :) then i get to travel with my sis... which i think will be good. we get along so much better now... and i know that she travels like i do. :) and i might go to haiti with my cello prof to teach at a music camp. i really hope i can go. that would make my summer perfect... but i also need to talk with le target to make sure i can keep my job and thus be able to make money after spending pretty much my life savings in six months... eep! i'm a bit worried about that. but i know this is going to be an amazing experience... i can always make money... but my guess is that if target won't let me do that i won't be able to go to haiti. i just can't afford to not have a job this summer. i dunno... i need to just gather my info and make a decision... hopefully in the next week. :) and pretty much a whole bunch of the cello studio is going to go, which is AMAZING... i love them. well the 'cool kids' anyway. yup, i'm an elitist/bad person. oh well.

okay, today shall include doing a bunch of field notes, some situps and pushups, maybe some yoga!, maybe some random olympic watching (men's figure skating???!!!??) and a whole lot of crazyness.. :) laters...

to all my valentines...

this is my valentine to you all... :) even though i hate this holiday. i love you all anyway...

To My Valentine

More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.

I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.

As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That's how much you I love.

I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.

I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oathes,
That's how you're loved by me.

~Ogden Nash

choice.

i suppose i should write something. a friend of our family/member of our church killed himself on thursday evening. it's really sad. i don't have much to say.

argh, mateys....

last night we had a recording session for this film score. it was for the silent movie 'the black pirate'. i actually liked most of the music... a bit reminscent of pirates of the caribbean... but just good, fun, and silly music to play. i'm a big fan of sorta cheesy movie music. :) and we actually only had to do about three takes per section. pretty awesome. the whole process was pretty interesting to me. :)

why is that man SO attractive? i do not understand. i want to think he looks at me... but it's prolly my imagination... but he was totally following me the other... i swear....

i'm going home tomorrow... to do laundry and the like. i'm excited. i will play my flute and try to not suck so much. and read for my aesthetics midterm on tuesday. eep! i feel i may do badly on it. sigh. but my rewrite was amazing. so boo-ya. in yo face. paper...???...

project runway tonight. 'from all the tears in the preview it has to be amazing.' ~heidi... almost everyone in the usual crowd will be gone, but i shall sonjourn on. or whatever. i'm excited. mostly about going home, but pr is the highlight of my week.

OH!!! plus it's the sweatervest extravaganza.... i'm so excited for this. lots o pics will be taken. it will be done. and i shall post here. oh yes, yes i will. YAY! there are really some prize ones to be seen. (eep! i have a cello lesson today. and i need that music... damn... maybe i'll go make the copy now... maybe... )

okay, i must go and do stuff or relax a bit. later.

oh my, oh my, oh my!

woke up this morning at 6am. my roommate was just getting to sleep. sometimes i feel that we live on two different schedules... it's sorta true... anywho. i got an e-mail from laura (basically the rhd of the london center) about housing and everything... YAY!! this is all actually going to happen. I'm SO excited. hopefully since i'm pretty damn sure that i was the first one to respond i will get a single. not that i don't want to live with anyone, but i don't really know/like most of the people going with me. whatever, it'll be good. and whatever happens, happens. it'll be awesome no matter if i'm just doing my thing by myself. and the whole point is to get to know london.. not make a bunch of american friends. it's prolly better that i don't know everyone. plus i'll spend less money by not going out with a bunch of people. i'm okay with this... really.... and i even took the high road with the maddie thing... i didn't even mention it. i'm sure that she will want to live with her dg friends. i figure it was just best to not say anything. and if i do live with her, who the fiznuck cares? i'm over it. okay. i need to go to my little school and see all the little kiddies... and by little kiddies i mean middle schoolers... awe.. they're so little... awe....

okay, off to see the wizard.

suddenly standing

at the beginning with you... wow this song is so cheesy. ay ay ay!

ah, the matrix... much better.

okie, i've had the strangest desire to watch the old star wars movies recently. bizarre, eh? maybe i'll rent them over break... oooo, or i could get the dvd's from the library for reading period. yes, i think i shall do that. yay! i love those movies so much. i could watch them for days... days... i totally remember everything about seeing them MULTIPLE times at the galleria when they were rereleased. oh, yes i was a big ol' nerd in those days. but it was good. oh anna, you were such my soul mate then. yes, yes.

in other news, the training is back on. i'm getting there. inch by inch. mile by mile. step by step. man by man. (that's a cabaret reference if you didn't know... you should take a listen, it's good...) i can't believe that i leave in only a matter of two months... eep! only like seven weeks really. toowoo, toowoo!

today i've successfully done almost nothing. who knows? i still have quite a few hours before i go to sleep. and i don't think the sweatvest shopping extravaganza will happen today. too short notice. and i shouldn't really spend money. i've already far exceeded my limit for the week. far, far, far exceeded. oops. but the things i bought (save from going to perkins yesterday for breakfast... but it was SO good) are actually things i need. i love the shirts i bought. they are hott. with two t's. :) okay i feel this is enough for now. i should do some field notes and maybe start my flute notebook. and i should really start thinking about my topic for my 10-15 page paper.. eep! i have no idea what to babble on about for that long.

oh, damn... my song is over, must go. later.

vicariously he loves you...

i feel a little down today. i got my essay done this morning. i think it actually turned out okay. at least much better than the last time around... somehow i think i'll do just a bit better. :) yay for not getting bad grades... :)

i don't know why i can't just get over him... i still have this stupid infatuation and it does me no good because he is obviously not interested. at least not in me... beyond being nice to me because he likes my friends... grrr.... i need to just not get continually hurt over this fact. i need to just move on with my life. move on! now!....

lean with it, rock with it....

white spats and lots of dollars...

feeling sorta weird today. it feels like the sort of day to sit inside and contemplate my life... perhaps have a meaningful conversation with someone special. most of all i really should shower. but i think i'll get some breakfast first... as it will close in the near future...

gotta dance... gotta dance... i feel i am lacking some spontaneity in my life. tonight will be full of it. hehe... i hope requiem for a dream gets here today. i'm really excited to see it. oh heroin.. i never can get too much. :) :)

they will see us waving from such great heights...

hello, it's me...

random thoughts tonight... lots of facebook stalking... realizing people are in fact people (thank you carl rogers...) trying to decide what time to go to sleep and what time to get up. i suppose i really should practice before my lesson... ooo, and i need to do my listening. for real real. my weird getting married dream kinda freaked me out all day yesterday. i can't even imagine getting married, beyond the fact that i have no one to marry... i feel completely not ready for that. i think it was cello studio dinner that did it to me. :) i almost sense a crush forming, yet that is just too weird for words. and would be totally and completely pointless. there's a viola party tomorrow. lots of drunken sillyness shall follow. although i fear that i will be dangerously close to another place where i prolly should go drunkenly stumble by... prolly not. i kinda hate myself drunk... but other people seem to like me more... what does that say about me.?..??... i finally deleted all unnecessicary things from my favorites and buddylists... :) i feel so much less burdened... i don't know why it took me so long. i suggest everyone really look through and weed out the places and people that you just don't want to think about. maybe i am sidestepping problems and conflicts... but i feel that i am old enough to just move on with things. dammit, it's my own life and i can do what i want with it.

i'm going home for reading period. for a number of reasons, but i think i'll be pretty happy going home. plus, i get to not be here... not that i'm unhappy, but the promise of next term makes this one just suck. i wish i could just skip it. and i'm not super into any of my classes... aesthetics is really hard for me. and i really need to just catch up. and i feel that home with let me do that... that is if i don't do what i usually do at home... which is mostly a whole lot of nothing. it'll be okay... and i can get my glasses figured out. i really wish they didn't hurt me so much. i actually really like the frames, i fear it's the anti-reflection stuff on them. specially cause i can wear them in low light but with light and on the comp it REALLY hurts. whatever... i guess..... just need to figure it out. :)

'erase and rewind, cause i've been changing my mind....'

i got my conducting tape back with d.e.b.'s comments... i love that man... soooooo much. i would have his baby. yes, yes, i would. :)