goodbye until tomorrow

i keep listening to the last five years and actually liking it. not that i didn't like it before, but somehow it makes a whole lot more sense currently... which is really strange.

i'm going to this dinner-harpsichord-concert-thing... i dunno.. but it's a free meal, so i guess i can't complain. and seeing as i was invited to go, i figure it would be bad form to not go. eh..

i go to AUSTRIA TOMORROW TO SEE ELI!!!!!!!!!!

i'll pull your crooked teeth

you'll be perfect just like me.

like three days til i see eli!!! yay!!! i'm getting SOOO stoked... yes, i actually used the word stoked... weird.

i am procrastinating... i hate not doing work and then suddenly having lots to do.. i suck... at school... and most things...

okay, i guess i'll do work...

and i knew the silence of the world.

i've recently rediscovered this song.. :) i do love me some old school smashing pumpkins. :)

only five days til i go to austria. YAY!!! i'm SOOO excited. i can't even put down in words how excited i am. and to see one of my good friends will be so wonderful. someone who actually gives a shit about me... well, that isn't really fair to the people here.. but i've been feeling that way recently. i don't know exactly why.. that isn't true... i just feel alone here. really, really, really alone... but whatever... it's fine. i'm okay with things. just you know...

my nalgene was confiscated at the football match... oye.. i was just a bit embarassed. just a bit.

sigh.

this has been a very fun week, but a very stressful week. i have midterms.. three in fact. but whatever. i don't really care. i mean, they aren't that hard, but i just need to do them... eep.

i'm going to die next year... oh well. whatever. it's not like i graduate... oops...

okay, and done.

title.... witty... something...

today, tomorrow and saturday should be AMAZING days. today we're watching fawlty towers (i love john cleese!!!) and getting FREE pizza... (although it is with laura, but for free food i'm okay with it...) i think we might also be drinking.. :) tomorrow we are all going to warwick castle and stratford. we are seeing antony and cleopatra with PATRICK STEWART!!!!!!!! as antony. i'm so freakin excited... yay!!! and i love the english countryside so, woot!!!! then saturday we get to cheer on the queen's park rangers at a lovely football match. i heart football... :) :)

okay... the amount of work i have to do in the next week... well, isn't that much, but MUCH more than i am used to... i'm such a slacker... seriously... but it shouldn't be too bad, cept that i don't have anything that i can save my papers and stuff.... hehe, back to slacking!!

BURN IT DOWN!!!

i'm trying to cast off my shell. i really am. it feel so horribly awkward, but i'm getting there... slowly...

ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL I SEE ELI!!!!!! i'm so excited. and then i come back and am going to take a few day trips.. and then I'M GOING TO WALES!!!! i'm so excited!! i can't even believe it... damn!!!!

AND I HAVE A FREAKING AMAZING LOTTERY NUMBER, SWEET ASS, MOTHERFUCKING, JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, that's enough of that... but, hell yes to the living in an AWESOME room. :) woot!!!!

yay, happy senior year!!!!!!

pink shirts and greasy hair...

i don't really know what that means... cept that's what i'm all about today.. but it seemed to work.

no drinking last night, i think it's a good thing.... we watched singin in the rain. SWOON!!!! i love that movie so much. and i hadn't seen it in several months or maybe even a year... :) it was definitely what i needed... just a bunch of happy. you know...

lately my ears have felt really weird... they have this occassional popping noise in them and they feel like they really need to pop... it's sorta like i have water in them, but sorta not... it seems a bit better this morning but still weird... i'm gonna blame everything on drinking. okay...

i have no real big plans this week... i'm sorta getting sick of being a tourist... so, i will become... not a tourist...

i was sitting out on my psuedo-balcony.... it was a magical experience... and someone actually looked up at me. i don't know why it made me so happy... i guess it just speaks to my immense fear that i am actually invisible sometimes... but apparently that isn't the case. it's really fun to sit up there and just think and watch all the people pass. it is one of my favorite things about being in the centre. :)

i started the elgar concerto... it's so hard, but i love it so much that i almost cry nearly everytime i work on it... both from frustration and emotion. :) it is by far my favorite cello piece... at least right now. :) :)

okie... back to work... :(

:) :) :)

liver.... i am sorry...

hello, my name is rachel and i am an alcoholic.

that isn't true, but it seems to be the path i am leading myself towards... oh, english people, why aren't there more drunkards around?? it's actually surprising. but perhaps it's mostly that you can't tell when english-types are drunk. they seem to hold it together pretty well.

i drank almost 2 LITRES!!! of strongbow. (it's a cheap but good hard cider... mmm...) mostly it was cause i was trying to keep up with a guy. prolly not such a good idea... but i did... so booyah... or something like that. then five of us took a drunken walk. it was nice. i had a very nice convo with dave. an actual conversation about politics and relationships and stuff... it was actually pretty profound even though i was way drunk. it was just a really chill time. and then i slept. i haven't slept so well in a long time... the past two nights, sleeping after drinking... they have been really restful nights of sleep. i think it's mostly because i'm finally starting to relax and not be so damn pessimistic about everything.

oye!

i went to kew gardens yesterday... for six hours. i took about 200 pictures. it was SO fun. i love taking pictures of nature and flowers and things SO much. it's a bit ridiculous... but it made me happy. and i thought it was just going to rain and be crappy all day but around noon the rain stopped and the clouds cleared and it was SO beautiful. it was sunny and i read my book next to a beautiful pond for almost an hour... it was so peaceful... and wonderful.. and just what i needed. and i'm actually kind of glad that no one was with me... then i got to just do what i want to do. which is nice. but i'll get people to come with me. oh i will... someday...

the last few days have been some of the best i've had in awhile. i'm glad that things are finally starting to work out and i'm dismantling my spiney shell... damn, i fucking hate that thing... it is so grotesque and just... not what or who i am. i'm going with the inside should be the same as the outside... no more hiding from everything. i'm too old for that shit. done. done.

so yeah...

i'm really drunk and i figured that now was as best a time as any to post... so here we go...

as long as i can't sort of edit as i go i'm fine... we'll see how this looks in the mornign...

hopefully i will go to kew gardens tomorrow and take lots of pictures and have a fabulous time.. even though it's expensive.

i drank a whole lot tonight and it's taking all of my will power to 1 not fall asleep at the computer and 2 type with some sort of consistentcey... yeah... so feel proud to have witnessed this. it prolly will happen again when i'm like... shit, i'm drunk and need to post something.. you know, some shit about how i'm doing in this place.. damn, the po po... not here.. but you know.. around... and shit...

okay now i'm done riddle me that robots... hehe... laters...

wow!

i would just like to point out that my spelling and grammar are very bad... oye! although it makes me laugh so i'm almost glad i don't proofread... hehe... sorry if it pisses you off. eh.

canta no llores...

for some reason that song is in my head. ugh, i've had the feeling that there is something in my eye for like... a long time... like several hours. ugh! i hate that.

i've successfully don't pretty much nothing today. i was going to go to tate britian but i feel asleep after practicing my cello alexander stuff... it's just so relaxing that i can't help it... i fear that it may be the end of me. although i do feel very different about how i hold myself and how i am aware of what i'm doing with my body. it's interesting stuff... i don't know if i believe it, but we'll see. i'm trying.

i listened to fiona apple's extraordinary machine for about three hours yesterday. it made me very happy. and made me feel better. i think. i guess because it's angsty.. and i felt angsty... but not really... mostly i was just pissed that i'm stupid...

aite... perhaps jack the ripper walk.. cool.

i've decided!

fuck it!

bleck.

sometimes it feels like the whole world just happens to work against me. yeah... that's a bit pessimistic, but somehow it fits my mood today. i feel like just never talking to anyone because all it does is bring me pain... not really, but today it feels that way. i am so socially awkward. how did i get like this? when did i start to be this horrible person who can't function? i just don't understand. i mean, there is a part of me that wants to just say 'fuck it!' who the hell cares what these people think of me?? but somehow i can't just do that. i can't just be the bitch... i have to think about others. i have to think about what they will say. i have to think. damn, i feel like hamlet... cept without the revenge thing... mostly just consumed by my own though to such a degree that i can't seem to escape.. and just makes me feel like screaming. except that i can't. and won't. and will not. it seems all really foolish. and it seems that i just continue to dig myself a deeper hole that i can't even think of getting out of... i don't really know why i'm writing this... it all doesn't make sense to me but yet i just can't stop thinking...

london is fabulous... now if i could only stop caring about these people around me. these people who are nothing like me. who i can't talk with and who barely hold any of the same interests... and if they do they are only fleeting or not in the same vain. i think i'll go cry now... i felt it building up for a day or so... best to drain for fear of infection. that's gross. this all makes no sense. i can't hide forever. some day i will be caught. some day.

you're so cute when you're slurring your speech...

that song is so in my head... it's a bit ridiculous...

i'm so freakin excited to go to austria. so excited!! yay!! friendies!! hooray!! i'm so excited to be somewhere that i actually have a language barrier... not that there isn't here, but it isn't really real... or something.

i have done pretty much nothing of real importance this week. i did buy a purse/bag thing at the market yesterday. i like it... although the strap is a bit short... but it's cute. which is clearly more important. (i promise i'll take a picture... when i'm feeling less lethargic... or semi sick...)

i've actually been doing most of my reading. i feel pretty proud of myself. i promised myself that i would actually sort of try for these classes... even though they are pretty damn easy. i really did read most of henry iv for tomorrow... but damn that play is boring... damn... and it doesn't end well because you need to read/see the second part. damn... at least we aren't seeing it... and i think we're only spending a week on it. oye! but bcf is getting much better now that we're reading sherlock holmes... i like them cause they are quick and at least somewhat novel... hehe...

tomorrow i need to find a music shop... which means i should go look at the phone book... okay later...

loves!

holy awkwardness, batman!

so things are awkward. i mean, it's fine... but holy god...

i love going to see good orchestras. i think i might actually go to the lso every freakin week. oye! i suppose i really should look up the wigmore hall stuffs... and see about some opera tickets... oye, so much money to spend and not enough to do everything. but i can pretend.

i can't believe i am going to austria to see eli (yes, i do type your name like this... so much easier... hehe). it makes me SO happy. like prolly a bit too much. i think it's mostly because eli is so wonderful and i don't have any close friends here... so thus, i am so excited. (it's only like two-three weeks away... eeeee!!!!)

perhaps i will take more pictures one of these days. perhaps.

pics...

happy london! sorry i can't like the move the pictures.... or rotate them... what not... don't have much to say... pictures, you can speak, right?

duh!

well, i'm offically really dumb! i had a ticket for the london symphony tonight... and me being the time concious person i am decided to budget an hour and thirty minutes to get to my destination... well, not only did i not get to the concert on time, i was in fact almost an hour late... and mostly because i didn't bring a map (stupid me!!!) and didn't know how close i really was... oye!!! but the schubert #9 was very good. :) and there was this really creepy guy on the train and was like seriously following me... i was way weirded out. ick!!!

but all things considered it was a nice evening and an adventure. :)

if only my friends were around to share... but you have all decided to ignore me... :'(

well, there goes the weekend....

so maybe not?!?

so i might not be such an idiot... as it turns out compserv gave the lc new comps and decided we weren't entitled to having a cd burner. WHHHAAATT??!!!???! it really pissed me off. hopefully i can bum off of someone to burn my pictures... some one of the ten people that brought laptops have to have a cd burner. right?

so last night, maddie's parents (maddie was my lovely freshman roommate...) took about ten of us out and bought us pints. it was slightly weird, as i don't like maddie or her family that much, but it was very nice of them. i guess the world surprises you sometimes. i took a bunch of free postcards from the pub... they are quite hilarious. :) hopefully i will send some soon... which reminds me that i need to buy some stamps. i think today is going to be a shopping day and reading for class next week day. except when i'm going to the mosque. our blc teacher told us that there's this new mosque opening soon that seats about 10,000 and is going to be the largest in europe. so he invited us to this community outreach/ mosque warming party thing. so i'm going to that today. most everyone went on this day trip thing, which i totally wanted to go on but because of my credit card stuff i couldn't book tickets in time (oye!!), so it's pretty quite around here. lo and behold the comps are much faster when it's mostly just me using them. :)

i think i've taken about 160 pictures... hehe.... :) so you'll all have fun looking at all the ones i come back with. :)

aite, breakfast here i come. woot!! later...