bleck.

sometimes it feels like the whole world just happens to work against me. yeah... that's a bit pessimistic, but somehow it fits my mood today. i feel like just never talking to anyone because all it does is bring me pain... not really, but today it feels that way. i am so socially awkward. how did i get like this? when did i start to be this horrible person who can't function? i just don't understand. i mean, there is a part of me that wants to just say 'fuck it!' who the hell cares what these people think of me?? but somehow i can't just do that. i can't just be the bitch... i have to think about others. i have to think about what they will say. i have to think. damn, i feel like hamlet... cept without the revenge thing... mostly just consumed by my own though to such a degree that i can't seem to escape.. and just makes me feel like screaming. except that i can't. and won't. and will not. it seems all really foolish. and it seems that i just continue to dig myself a deeper hole that i can't even think of getting out of... i don't really know why i'm writing this... it all doesn't make sense to me but yet i just can't stop thinking...

london is fabulous... now if i could only stop caring about these people around me. these people who are nothing like me. who i can't talk with and who barely hold any of the same interests... and if they do they are only fleeting or not in the same vain. i think i'll go cry now... i felt it building up for a day or so... best to drain for fear of infection. that's gross. this all makes no sense. i can't hide forever. some day i will be caught. some day.