liver.... i am sorry...

hello, my name is rachel and i am an alcoholic.

that isn't true, but it seems to be the path i am leading myself towards... oh, english people, why aren't there more drunkards around?? it's actually surprising. but perhaps it's mostly that you can't tell when english-types are drunk. they seem to hold it together pretty well.

i drank almost 2 LITRES!!! of strongbow. (it's a cheap but good hard cider... mmm...) mostly it was cause i was trying to keep up with a guy. prolly not such a good idea... but i did... so booyah... or something like that. then five of us took a drunken walk. it was nice. i had a very nice convo with dave. an actual conversation about politics and relationships and stuff... it was actually pretty profound even though i was way drunk. it was just a really chill time. and then i slept. i haven't slept so well in a long time... the past two nights, sleeping after drinking... they have been really restful nights of sleep. i think it's mostly because i'm finally starting to relax and not be so damn pessimistic about everything.

oye!

i went to kew gardens yesterday... for six hours. i took about 200 pictures. it was SO fun. i love taking pictures of nature and flowers and things SO much. it's a bit ridiculous... but it made me happy. and i thought it was just going to rain and be crappy all day but around noon the rain stopped and the clouds cleared and it was SO beautiful. it was sunny and i read my book next to a beautiful pond for almost an hour... it was so peaceful... and wonderful.. and just what i needed. and i'm actually kind of glad that no one was with me... then i got to just do what i want to do. which is nice. but i'll get people to come with me. oh i will... someday...

the last few days have been some of the best i've had in awhile. i'm glad that things are finally starting to work out and i'm dismantling my spiney shell... damn, i fucking hate that thing... it is so grotesque and just... not what or who i am. i'm going with the inside should be the same as the outside... no more hiding from everything. i'm too old for that shit. done. done.