venting.

okay. i can understand having sex in your own room. i can understand that, every one has needs and you have the right to have sex in your own room. but you will never have the right to have sex in a public shower. it is discourteous and could possibly be dangerous in the unlikely event that someone else may come into contact with any bodily fluids that could be present in said shower after you have sex in it. perhaps it was slightly disrespectful for me to call you on it, but i'm sick of day after day after day of hearing people have sex in the shower that i shower in. i did not purposefully leave the bathroom locked. i'm sorry that you had to walk up the flight of stairs to the other bathroom in our house, but i'm pretty sure that you can survive that for a few hours. and if you call security i will happily unlock the bathroom door and then point out that you have had a smelly couch in the living room since the second week of school. this is violation of building fire code and the lawrence social code, and as stated in the student handbook you should be charged $15 per day that the couch is in this public space. and not only that i would point out that you have beer in our public kitchen, not even to mention that you are not 21 and should not be possessing alcohol anyway. if you want to play that game i'm positive that your life will be much worse than mine. this is primarily because you actually break rules and act like a selfish child. do not blame me for your problems. any decent person would object to your behavior. in fact your roommate doesn't like it either. and i have no qualms about talking to susan or patrick or the dean of students or j-board or janet or anyone else who will listen about your inability to follow campus-sanctioned policies that you are required to follow. i have tried giving you the benefit of the doubt and tried to ask nicely to have you stop your offending behavior, but it is clear that you do not respond to anything reasonable or age appropriate. if you act like a child, i will treat you like a child. and if that means you have to be constantly reminded that playing beer pong in our lounge or having sex in our shower is a bad idea, then so be it. also, when i say 'our' i do not mean 'mine and eliana's', i mean 'the house's'. i realize this may be hard for you to understand, but yes i do realize that the bathroom and lounge is yours to use as well, but you do not have the only say in the matter of how it used just as i do not. i am thinking of us all when i say that you shouldn't get beer all over our carpet, get your bodily fluids in our shower or pollute our room/study environment with you sexual noise. think about the bigger picture and you will see that your actions are affecting a lot more people than just me and my roommate. you are affecting the entire house and the entire lawrence community by not respecting this space that is given to you. please be mature and assume responsibilty for this space and your actions. thank you.

graduation.

i want to be done with school. i want to be so far away from it that i can't even think about it anymore. i am sick of it. i know that seems weird, since i'm going to be a teacher, but i'm sick of just learning about what i want to do. i want to do it. i want to be an 'adult' or whatever that means. i want to not have to go to class... more specifically classes i really don't care about. sigh. i don't want to do anything. i want to coast... i can feel myself starting too... but i can't. i have so many things that need to get done before i can even start thinking about that. ugh. frustration.

i see how it is. are we even friends anymore? really?

i guess i'll just feign ignorance.... sigh.

maybe things will get better. maybe i'll grow a pair. maybe life is just a bitch and then you die, rachel. who knows? not me.

boo.

not only is it day 14... i am also getting a super fun cold. woo hoo. isn't that awesome. :D yeah i was pretty excited about it too. i'm seriously going to the doctor tomorrow. but i can't today because i have class and really can't miss. again. well the next time i do i need to be observing and that isn't gonna happen today. which reminds me that i should email and figure that whole thing out. for reals. sigh. i hate this term. i hate it so much. at least it is getting springy outside. i lurves the spring. well, mostly i'm just sick of cold weather and throughly excited to not have to lug around a big coat all the time. :D also, spring means the rain will come back. i've really missed that. i miss london rain a lot... how it is all crazy for a few minutes but then it gets ridiculously nice outside after. i loved it so much. i will go back. to stay. for realsies. :D

i'm probably a little too excited for our roadtrip this summer... if it happens. bozeman is actually pretty sweet. and it would be so cheap. :D hooray!! i would be so happy if you could come with me.... then i wouldn't be so bored. and i could actually see all of you. :D :D

hocay... need to do hw before class. peace out.

i'm the same old trailer trash in new shoes.

this week has been pretty stressful. mostly because of my own making, but still... stressful. i had a project due on wednesday that i started (mostly) on tuesday. i had to stay up all night tuesday (well, i guess 45 mins of sleep counts. i guess) and thus wednesday was pretty painful. good thing it is my busiest day. my rehearsal with andy was pretty bad... although right before that i had a breakthrough with my lh tension and could magically play comfortably. which was way sweet. i nearly cried. yesterday i had a fairly good studio performance, even though i hadn't practiced as much as i probably should have. but i got through it and people seemed to like it. i guess that's a good starting point... right? yesterday afternoon, after my horrible rehearsal tech class that i was COMPLETELY unprepared for, i had a rehearsal with helen for schumann. it went actually pretty well and the 2nd movt should be way sweet. so far i think it is my favorite movt- well i guess the 3rd would be if i could play it better. eep!!! anywho, during our rehearsal i went to tighten my bow a bit and the silver screw cap came off. my bow still work and the hair will tighten and loosen but the screw isn't attatched... ugh! so i'll have to get that fixed. god i hope that won't cost much... i really don't want to pay money right now. sigh. story of my life, right? perhaps today/tonight will go okay. i believe heidi and i are going shopping sometime this afternoon, i have studio, and then i believe we are going to the art show opening... both for the art and the FREE WINE!!! woot. :D i likes the free things. and then maybe a movie and some ridiculousness... it could happen. prolly not like 2 weeks ago, though... i can't imagine that will ever happen again. sad.

oh, and i got a sliver in my foot on wednesday. grrrrrrrreat.

stupid life. stupid school. stupid being an 'adult'. stupid being a girl (for 9 days... ugh!!!).

and we're done.

and i realize i'm coming home.

on the day i went away
i want to come again
and stay

i've been listening to even more music than is probably possible.... and not to mention the practicing, rehearsals and just general music/noise around... it's kinda weird to think about how much we actually do listen to. weirdness.

i can't believe that reading period is here already. i can't believe the amount of work that i really need to get done with weekend. crazy shiiiiit. and it seems utterly impossible to actually get most of it done. stupid me. oh well. there's always failure. :D

tonight is surprisingly busy, but i'm actually okay with it. since i'm going home tomorrow and not going to class it seems all good to me. :D yay!!! happy, comfy bed and happy, comfy (?) cat. :D :D :D

and when you look in my eyes
please know, my heart is in your hands
it's nothing that i understand
but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
so be gentle if you please
cause your hands are in my hair
but my heart is in your teeth
and it makes me want make you near me always

i'm so totally thinking about it every second... probably forever and ever.....

it's not me.

i apologize for that last post... although to be far i am coming down off of both alcohol and adrenaline, after nearly being killed by two cars. it was late and i was drunkish and very very very disturbed. and the lounge was dirty and smelly and pretty much everything was horrible.

not that i really think anything is more clear now... i guess i'm actually more confused, but i'm not quite so broken up about it. i guess just mildly intrigued is a good phrase for it. in all reality i know that it isn't. but who knows... maybe there is some truth in drunken behavior. it could happen. but i'm going to follow sham's advice and not get carried away.

i know that it is because i have common sense that i can't just do the whole party hook-up thing... but sometimes it seems like even that would make me feel less alone. which is completely not true and irrational. most of the time i wonder how seemingly everyone else gets along... heidi, gabby and i were talking about this on sunday. that just like how we talk about boys and other people... there have to be people who talk about us. for reals. it just seems so often like i'm invisible. which is part of the reason why the almost getting hit by the two cars freaked me out... it was like i was.... that it was truly because i can't be seen that i almost got killed. sigh. it was just intense. in fact i haven't really cried while walking anywhere or in public for awhile.

this week/end will be nice. getting some laundry done. lots of practicing. and lots of CMP planning. aw crap. but hopefully i will at least see my nikkers. :D (and i know i should call more..... shoooot.)

loves to all. i hope everyone is warm and not hating their neighbors as much as i do right now.

laters.

a welcome arrow through the heart.

why do i have to have feelings for boys who so clearly do not have them for me?

i feel i will be alone forever....

why do parties always start good and then when they end make me cry and feel so alone....

god, can't i just be a slut like everyone else......