it's not me.

i apologize for that last post... although to be far i am coming down off of both alcohol and adrenaline, after nearly being killed by two cars. it was late and i was drunkish and very very very disturbed. and the lounge was dirty and smelly and pretty much everything was horrible.

not that i really think anything is more clear now... i guess i'm actually more confused, but i'm not quite so broken up about it. i guess just mildly intrigued is a good phrase for it. in all reality i know that it isn't. but who knows... maybe there is some truth in drunken behavior. it could happen. but i'm going to follow sham's advice and not get carried away.

i know that it is because i have common sense that i can't just do the whole party hook-up thing... but sometimes it seems like even that would make me feel less alone. which is completely not true and irrational. most of the time i wonder how seemingly everyone else gets along... heidi, gabby and i were talking about this on sunday. that just like how we talk about boys and other people... there have to be people who talk about us. for reals. it just seems so often like i'm invisible. which is part of the reason why the almost getting hit by the two cars freaked me out... it was like i was.... that it was truly because i can't be seen that i almost got killed. sigh. it was just intense. in fact i haven't really cried while walking anywhere or in public for awhile.

this week/end will be nice. getting some laundry done. lots of practicing. and lots of CMP planning. aw crap. but hopefully i will at least see my nikkers. :D (and i know i should call more..... shoooot.)

loves to all. i hope everyone is warm and not hating their neighbors as much as i do right now.

laters.