i need you so much closer now.

i actually cried last night. i haven't cried because something hurt for a long time. well, cept for the tears that form from hitting myself on this... those are just reflex-tears. this was actual, crying from pain tears. it didn't help, but sorta made me admit that i am actually in pain. i don't like to admit that. see, i only seem to have a pain tolerance for things that are actually really painful, not little things. well, i have more of a tendency to say things hurt when they really don't. dunno why, but i do. i just layed there in my bed and wished it would just stop hurting. but it didn't. i couldn't find a way to just rest and i kept turning over and nothing was helping. so i cried. and then i fell asleep. and when i woke up, it still hurt. it always hurts. but i'm not giving up. i'm going to keep working. harder. more. because i don't want this to stop me from doing things. it's stupid to let it. thus i will not let it control me. i am more powerful than pain. i am. ha ha ha. okay, that is all. goodbye.

shama... i friggin love you!

i'm so happy that my little shama is back from india. so very happy! it is good. i don't have much to say, other than the book you got me is very funny. and educating. hehe. okay, i must shower...

ps i love my digital camera. i love it.

pps i have seen the most random people at target lately. and had long conversations. weird. but good. kk, bye bye.

this was from the ride home. there were these really neat storm clouds.. and with the mountains it just looked awesome.  

this was from the montana shakespeare company's preformance of 'the taming of the shrew.' which was preformed outside. it was really good and this part was really funny. 

hey, look, the rainbow is the right way now! 

(ltr) this is my aunt susan, me, my cousin nick (he's such a cutie!!), and my aunt karen. this is at rockhaven presbyterian (sp??) camp where they all went when they were young. it is SUPER small (only fits about 45 people..) but it's really pretty.  

this is a rainbow. i thought it was pretty, thus i took a picture of it. i actually took it between the links of a chain link fence... sigh, trees... 

the lacey family jug and bottle band. (we're really good!) 

wow, wow, wow!

i just actually looked at my pic... my hair was actually pretty short... hm... perspective... i feel like when i took that pic was a very long time ago. a portrait of me during somewhat happy times. before things happened. nothing majorly unhappy... but before this was tainted. but now i don't even care. i didn't even really care then, besides the undeniable feeling that things are totally unfair but if you say anything it just makes you look like a huge tool. (i am a tool...) 'someone's got to take the high road.. if i don't, who will?' that's what i felt like.

so i went to montana and got to see most of my family. it was good. it made me really happy. something about seeing people that truely love you unconditionally is very energizing. plus, the surprise 80th birthday party for my gramma was really fun. she had absolutely no idea. it was hilarious. and i got to play my cello with my cousin. and, of course, the lacey family jug and bottle band, always wonderful. (i'm seriously considering starting to collect bottles of my own... trust me, jug and bottle bands are way awesome.) it was just a really good time. and i bought a digital camera, thus i will be sharing photos... hooray. thus, london will be WAY cool. i'm EXTREMELY excited. i have about eight months to go. wooo... crazy.

i had the weirdest dream in the hotel we stayed at in bismark. it was about my stupid senior-year crush and was very bizarre... it also had a bunch of high school people and me parading around and acting weird. then i left... and i got in a car. and other random weirdness that i will spare all of you. :) but it was strange... my dream last night was weird too... about me and this guy holding hands in a plane... i know... it's weird. i need help. probably.

okay, that is all.. i'll post some pics soon... hopefully! bye bye.