i need you so much closer now.

i actually cried last night. i haven't cried because something hurt for a long time. well, cept for the tears that form from hitting myself on this... those are just reflex-tears. this was actual, crying from pain tears. it didn't help, but sorta made me admit that i am actually in pain. i don't like to admit that. see, i only seem to have a pain tolerance for things that are actually really painful, not little things. well, i have more of a tendency to say things hurt when they really don't. dunno why, but i do. i just layed there in my bed and wished it would just stop hurting. but it didn't. i couldn't find a way to just rest and i kept turning over and nothing was helping. so i cried. and then i fell asleep. and when i woke up, it still hurt. it always hurts. but i'm not giving up. i'm going to keep working. harder. more. because i don't want this to stop me from doing things. it's stupid to let it. thus i will not let it control me. i am more powerful than pain. i am. ha ha ha. okay, that is all. goodbye.